***stink squiggles did not occur in real life. |
What was worse about this is when I removed it from the trash can, it started developing a little hole in the bottom of the bag because of a beer bottle. This meant that in order to prevent the garbage from plummeting out of the bag and thus exposing the stench that could wipe out mankind, I could not hold it away from me and run. I would have to hold the bag in my arms and carefully walk to the dumpster.
Let's back up a bit and discuss the strange habit I have of wearing nice dresses and converse sneakers while I clean. Because of the anxiety I have due to cleaning, I find it helpful to spend my day pretending I'm a modern, less bitchy version of Betty Draper. I put on some Judy Garland and Sinatra in the background, I poor myself a glass of wine, and then I put on a simple cocktail dress. This allows me to vacuum and dance around the apartment in a calm state because I have allowed myself to think that the converse and my little black number make me look edgy. Plus, the more accepted uniform of pajama pants, a sweater and fuzzy socks doesn't make me feel comfortable or productive. In fact, I wear those things and stuffing my face with homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream to ignore how sad I feel.
So I walk out the door wearing my cute, black [department store clearance] dress while carrying this bag of garbage and death. Of course, I'm holding my breath in hopes that I won't suffocate and leave my Husband a widower. Sure, it's a fictional and highly unlikely hypothesis, but who would want that? Not I, let me assure you.
Now... did I mention that another cold front was coming in? No? Do you know what happens when the weather is changing?
Yep. I was upskirted by a change in the earth's air pressure. And yet I can't hold my skirt down because of one beer bottle making a tiny hole in a garbage bag that is leaking it's foul, ferret-comatose-causing air into the atmosphere.
Oh, and one more thing: there was someone behind me on this day.
And that, children, is how I created a future race that may be similar to the Reavers in "Firefly."
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