Neverending Puppy

Maurice Sendak, 1928-2012

Trash Day, or Nature vs. Self

When it comes to chores between me and the Husband, it is usually the Husband who takes out the trash. Especially this past winter when I spent most of my time hiding under blankets and layers of clothing and he would give up trying to find me after about ten minutes. A few days ago, he forgot to take out the trash and it was completely full. Fortunately the weather had warmed up a bit and I was willing to take out the trash. Unfortunately, it stank to high heaven. It is pretty much impossible to describe what it actually smelled like, but if I had to describe it, it had a blended scent of old coffee grounds, expired meat, and used cleaning products. A ferret could have taken a whiff of it and possibly fall into a comatose state.

***stink squiggles did not occur in real life.

What was worse about this is when I removed it from the trash can, it started developing a little hole in the bottom of the bag because of a beer bottle. This meant that in order to prevent the garbage from plummeting out of the bag and thus exposing the stench that could wipe out mankind, I could not hold it away from me and run. I would have to hold the bag in my arms and carefully walk to the dumpster.

Let's back up a bit and discuss the strange habit I have of wearing nice dresses and converse sneakers while I clean. Because of the anxiety I have due to cleaning, I find it helpful to spend my day pretending I'm a modern, less bitchy version of Betty Draper. I put on some Judy Garland and Sinatra in the background, I poor myself a glass of wine, and then I put on a simple cocktail dress. This allows me to vacuum and dance around the apartment in a calm state because I have allowed myself to think that the converse and my little black number make me look edgy. Plus, the more accepted uniform of pajama pants, a sweater and fuzzy socks doesn't make me feel comfortable or productive. In fact, I wear those things and stuffing my face with homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream to ignore how sad I feel.

So I walk out the door wearing my cute, black [department store clearance] dress while carrying this bag of garbage and death. Of course, I'm holding my breath in hopes that I won't suffocate and leave my Husband a widower. Sure, it's a fictional and highly unlikely hypothesis, but who would want that? Not I, let me assure you.

Now... did I mention that another cold front was coming in? No? Do you know what happens when the weather is changing?

Yep. I was upskirted by a change in the earth's air pressure. And yet I can't hold my skirt down because of one beer bottle making a tiny hole in a garbage bag that is leaking it's foul, ferret-comatose-causing air into the atmosphere.

Oh, and one more thing: there was someone behind me on this day.

And that, children, is how I created a future race that may be similar to the Reavers in "Firefly."

Happy Holidays

Here are some things to think about during your holiday of choice.

1. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" may not so much be a love song as a ditty about what landed a man on To Catch a Predator.

2. Of the Doctor Who Christmas Specials, only one out of six of them [so far] feature Christmas as a major plot point.

3. If people get creative and whip out their rhyming dictionaries from their angst-ridden bad poetry days, Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" can totally become the next "99 Bottles of Beer."

4. If you're still upset about the Star Wars prequels, there is a little Christmas miracle called The Star Wars Holiday Special that will make you feel better about George Lucas sabotaging his own franchise. Although, keep sharp objects out of arm's reach and make sure you call the doctor should the nausea and shame last for more than seven days.

5. You could add a science fiction element to It's a Wonderful Life and pretend Clarence is an other-worldly being who can travel through time, space, and parallel universes. Or, maybe the world without Jimmy Stewart is the actual reality and the one where he exists is the fake one. (INCEPTION!)

6. Have you ever pretended that Santa's elves are the same as Lord of the Rings elves? Because I have, and it's much more awesome.

7. Sure, the musical Rent sings about "Seasons of Love," but I'm pretty sure the majority of the plot is spent around wintertime, specifically during the holidays. So would that make it about disease, city life, and season of love, singular?

8. A Nightmare Before Christmas features a protagonist going through a mid-life crisis. The protagonist is a skeleton. Discuss.

9. The movie Love Actually features a universe where Rick Grimes is in love with Elizabeth Swann, Elizabeth Swann is married to the Operative, Bilbo Baggins is completely naked for a bizarre photo shoot, Shaun's stepfather as a rock star, Mr. Bean is the slowest retail salesman alive, and Professors Snape and Trelawney are married. Oh, and Liam Neeson is there too. (Behold my film reference knowledge!... maybe that's why I was single for so long...)

10.  A Christmas Carol is a heartwarming tale about ghosts, time travel, and nerd turned bitter old miser that learns to spread his wealth as well as maintain a successful business. It's also a constant reminder that, like Bob Crachit, I am the 99%.

Happy everything!

Post-Wedding

So, I got married.

That was fun.

And mentally and emotionally draining. Everyone told me it would be difficult, but no one seemed to emphasize it enough. There was a lot of red wine and ice cream, which is not as enjoyable when you're wailing that the wedding is ruined because one of your DIY invites gave you a paper cut.

I left my wedding day in a haze of exhaustion and excitement... I might have also left it in a straight jacket saying nonsense words. On our honeymoon, Kev set up the main ground rule which was "no internet." While I was able to sneak in one or two Facebook and Twitter updates, I enjoyed my vacation internet free.

Then I came home to my dog, wedding presents, thank you notes, work responsibilities, an apartment in need of cleaning, a bare refrigerator, friends and family asking about the honeymoon, etc.

So I wound up in a traumatized state, staring into the abyss of the internet and ignoring everything else. 

And that is why I've been on the quiet side in terms of blogginess.

By the way, Pinterest? Awesome. It's much better than StumbleUpon... i love the pinterest... obey the pinterest...

You know what? Pin this drawing. See what happens. Then tweet it under #pinterganda. Or #propinganda. Either way, behold the power of the Mighty Pinterest!

Anticlimactic

Doctor Who Series 5...

Doctor Who Series 6.1...

Doctor Who Series 6.2...

I didn't think it was possible, but it happened. Steven Moffat let me down on my birthday. He led me on and handed me an anticlimactic season ending.

I'm hopeful that he will bring his A-game next time round, but still... Steve gave me sadness for my birthday. And that kind of sucks.

Productive

Today my mother and father reminded me that my wedding was fast approaching. Both asked if I was being productive. I decided to Google it.

pro·duc·tive
adjective /prəˈdəktiv
3. Achieving or producing a significant amount or result

-as defined by Dictionary.com

And I say yes. I have been productive. I produced this.

See, that's pretty freaking productive, isn't it? I actually colored it and everything! It took hours. But it was totally worth it. I mean, who doesn't like a stylish velociraptor? Am I right?

Oh, you meant productive in terms of the... oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.